Sexual frustration isn’t about not getting enough sex. It’s about not getting enough meaningful sexual interaction.
What is sexual frustration?
Have you ever been in a relationship where you’re humping like rabbits. You’re literally at it every ten minutes. But you never feel satiated?
That’s sexual frustration, and it’s likely because there’s some element of that sexual contact missing whether this be hugging and kissing, a general intimacy in your lovemaking or that you’re just not being taken to orgasm. We’ll explore this more below, but this agitation, anger and anxiety that you feel in these situations is the result of sexual frustration.
So see, we can be sexually frustrated even when we’re having sex. It’s just not the right type of sex. And this inability to meet our sexual desires and needs can lead to damaging psychological effects that we’ll go into later on in this article.
Causes of sexual frustration.
Here are a few causes that both women and men experience when the sex they’re getting, either with their partner or someone else, isn’t satisfying them.
One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. Both partners risk frustration in this complex situation because one isn’t satisfied and the other feels used. And both are valid points. Many of our clients visit us for this reason. The cause may be as simple as being after a baby, or it may be age and hormone related, so previous patterns have shifted. Or it could be that you have always been on different levels here where everything else in your relationship is tip top.
You’re not receiving the level of intimacy in a relationship that makes you feel wanted. Many of our clients tell us that they get sex, but it’s a quickie. It’s all there is time for with the kids.
The issue is that it’s a basic human need to feel skin on skin, to be wanted and needed. And we express that during love making not sex.
This can also happen where one person suffers a body image complex and so doesn’t want to expose themselves in the same way they previously were happy to.
A husband or wife may be busy running the family and be distracted from sex. It’s not that they don’t want it, but the idea doesn’t enter their head. They are too busy and then too tired. They don’t notice their sexual frustration, but their partner, who is out doing what they have always done, does.
If one of the people in the relationship is suffering with a sexual dysfunction disorder e.g. erectile dysfunction, this can lead to anger and resentment.
Often on the sides of both parties.
This is a classic way that sexual frustration manifests as lack of sex often spirals into an accepted pattern, as one or both parties don’t want to address the humiliation of the situation repeating.
Lack of desired sexual contact
You may not have the type of sexual contact that you desire. This could be as simple as a prostate massage being the thing that really satisfies you, but your partner doesn’t want to partake. It could be deeper desires and fantasies that you don’t even want to speak about, let alone play out in reality.
Climaxing is an issue
Relationships are tricky things.
And climaxing too quickly or not at all can be a common bone of contention. This can lead to not wanting to have sex with that person, even though you are sexually stimulated. Being taken half way to orgasm then dropped down can be hugely sexually frustrating.
Following on from the above point, long-distance relationships can be a huge issue with sexual frustration. Many of our clients are in this situation. They don’t want to cheat on their partner, but they do need to be satisfied in a way that only another person can do.
Masturbation whilst useful can often lead to more sexual frustration than it solves in the long run as it gets the body read for sex, which doesn’t follow through. This is where tantra and sensual massage can be a huge help because edging is a wonderful way to enjoy sensual stimulation all the way through to fulfilment.
It’s not that easy to do this on your own. We tend to tip ourselves over the orgasm precipice way too fast.
How many stories have you heard of straight guys in prison turning gay? Just think about it.
Here’s another interesting point. Religion. You’d be surprised at how many of our clients come to us because in their religion sex before marriage is forbidden.
But people are human and they need their physical needs met, but their religion and that of their partner prevents it within their societies.
Some philosophers have even studied the link between extremist Muslim violence and suicide bombers dying for honour and their sexual frustration. There is apparently a scientific link between these murderous feelings and radical traits.
Other forms of self deprivation
Likewise, we’ve all heard about athletes not being able to ‘engage’ before a big event — I guess you could argue that sport is a type of religion for some. And people who are gay, but haven’t yet come out for whatever reason, are another example very often of groups of people who don’t engage in fulfilling sexual activity. Whether this is out of choice or not is not important, simply put, you are still suffering from frustration.
A person’s unwillingness to explore their body could also be a reason for this. It might be your partner not ‘letting loose’ in which case it’s difficult to read the signs and bring them to an explosive orgasm in the way that would make you feel good about yourself. If it’s you, then you’re not engaging with your body in the best possible way and therefore you’re unlikely to ever be anything but sexually frustrated. You simply don’t know how to be anything else if you haven’t yet discovered what makes you tingle to your toes.
Let’s change tack for a moment. Have you ever worked with someone who you are sexually attracted to? It can drive you insane, can’t it. You’re not supposed to have that intimate connection with someone you work with, it can literally screw up your career. And so the attraction and the frustration builds. Society expects us to behave within certain limits.
Look at the Romans, they were all banging anything that moved. They didn’t care if you were male or female. Orgies were an acceptable pastime. But today, that’s not acceptable. Why is that? Surely we still have the same urges we always did.
Signs you are sexually frustrated.
If you easily blow up. Your annoyance level is extreme or you are easily distracted, this change in your base level personality could be a sign your sexuality isn’t being met. This is because you don’t have an outlet for the stress of daily life. When we have sex, it releases chemicals which relax us to our bones. Without that daily life continues to top up the pot, but it’s not being emptied and we become hot headed.
If you have problems falling asleep and while you’re in that state you experience that little niggle in your groin… Yep, this is a sign you’re not getting enough of the right sexual interaction to meet your emotional as well as physical needs. On top of this, sleep deprivation then prompts sexual frustration so you’re on a hiding to nothing here. Our advice, if you don’t want to come and see us, then at least exercise. You can do this hard and fast like cardio, or slow like yoga. This will suit your personality just like your sexual preference.
You think about sex all the time. Seriously, it becomes a fantasy land that you escape to. But you’re still not getting any. This could be part of your problem though, we’re not living in the movies and your fantasy is the movie in your head. Don’t mistake reality and the quality of your dreams. If you do you’ll fast become a prisoner of your own frustrations.
Lack of interest
You might not be interested in masturbating anymore. This is because the accumulated levels of stress in your body lead to you not being able to engage with self satisfaction. This is just the same as if you’re stressed from work.
If you aren’t satisfied after sex, even if you do all the right things. It just doesn’t work out. The issue could be either you or your partner. If you think it’s your partner, then you need to speak with them. But, please, be gentle. Continuing to pretend you’re enjoying sex or any kind of sensual stimulation when you aren’t will lead to a lifetime of no change. And that means no satisfaction. And we already know this leads to rage, and even anxiety and depression further down the line.
How to overcome sexual dissatisfaction and associated frustration.
The way to do this depends on the cause. The usual thing we’d always suggest though is talk to your partner about this. If you can’t because the issue is something you don’t want to accept about yourself, then perhaps this is the time that you make a visit to us.
If the problem is because you’ve grown complacent with your partner, or there are body image issues etc, then change it up. Don’t just head to the marriage bed where you’ve had previous failures. It doesn’t set a great tone.
You have the power to book a hotel, change up to the spare room, or even have a date night before you retire to the same place. But whatever you do, if something is going to change, then you have to change something between the pair of you for that to happen.
And don’t focus on intercourse. Focus on the love you share between you. Every therapist will tell you the rest will follow when you are comfortable around each other again.
If you have guilt over something you have done or thought about, then push this to one side. You are with your partner at this point in time. Embrace them and this situation, the past will only ever be that. It can’t be changed.
If sex drive is an issue, then boost it. Play games. Married therapy will always push for new experiences to be the solution. A little like we said about the place earlier, mix up the routine. It could be a fast track solution that will easily influence the success of your future sex life.
To book a sensual massage and relieve your sexual frustration text us today.