When I think of the definition of intimacy, my natural reaction is sex. For me, the two are inextricably linked.

Perhaps it’s because I’m British and we substitute the two words interchangeably in a bid to be subtle. Because it’s only when you are in a relationship that you can start to understand what being intimate means for the two people involved. It’s like you have your very own dictionary that is unique only to the two of you. If you end up in another relationship, the definition could be very different.

For some, intimacy means sex. Others take it to mean the small things that your partner will do for you — they know you well enough to second guess what you would like. And many an affair has been spotted by a partner through noticing the way their partner will just talk with another, a held gaze, the slightest of touches or simple proximity can give the game away. There are roughly about a gazillion different interpretations.

But don’t despair.

That’s before we even start looking at the difference between emotional intimacy and sexual. Some people will consider it to be a betrayal of trust if their spouse becomes engaged on an emotional level with someone else. Regardless of whether there has been any physical philandering. This is because a wife is supposed to be the person their husband goes to for support. And vice versa. So, when one partner steps away from this and chooses another, a fear of betrayal sets in and this can affect the closeness the deferred partner feels.

Other couples are perfectly happy as long as everything between other people remains intellectual. As long as there’s no touching, all is good. That’s because within this relationship, the one thing that sets it aside from all other links is the sexual nature of the relationship.

And then we move onto the couples who have open relationships. Whether this be polygamous or otherwise, the physical nature of their togetherness is less important than the spiritual connection the two people hold.

It’s easy to see with these examples above why couples fall into issues navigating their way through the minefield regarding the definition of intimacy. Because there is no clear meaning. And it’s not even easy to talk to friends about, because this is the kind of feelings that people keep well hidden within their personal lives.

So, where do you find your direction?

First, consider what your most intimate moments with your partner have been.

For some people, the most intimate moments could come right after an argument. You know, that time when one moment you want to throttle your partner, and the next you’re wondering how you could ever live without them? When the conflict is over, you’ve stopped hurling abuse and one person has apologised; those few warm minutes that you share hugging and being emotionally connected. Are they your most intimate moment?

If so, then it could be that for you, you’re connected on a physical level and so sex could be the definition of your intimacy.

Others may be more connected during the act of sexual intercourse. That moment of letting go and allowing your soul to float free also enables your two hearts to connect and develops a quality of understanding without the need for words.

Man and woman burning with desire, about to make love
How are you intimate with your partner?

If this is you, then I guess it’s pretty safe to say that sex could be your definition of intimacy.

Jumping to the other extreme, trusting someone with every facet of your being could be determined as the ultimate intimacy, You have enough confidence in them that you are certain you can reveal, or you have revealed even your most shameful aspects and they are still knocking around.

This is where it gets tricky.

Because you could do this to a partner, or to a friend. Even a counsellor. For you, intimacy could well be defined as an emotional connection whereby you take down walls. If this is you, I’d urge you to consider whether the person on the other side is as familiar with you as you are with them. If not, this one sided relationship is not a true definition of intimacy. Not for me, at least. Because my understanding is that a relationship is two sided and equal.

Because you could do this to a partner, or to a friend. Even a counsellor. For you, intimacy could well be defined as an emotional connection whereby you take down walls. If this is you, I’d urge you to consider whether the person on the other side is as familiar with you as you are with them. If not, this one sided relationship is not a true definition of intimacy. Not for me, at least. Because my understanding is that a relationship is two sided and equal.

If you can say yes, the other person is not only compassionate about your feeling, but you have sufficient bond that they also confide their deepest secrets, desires and fears in you, then you are intimate together.

And for you, this could then be that you experience intimacy from shared emotional support rather than bodies connecting.

This leads us to our next point. Intimacy can not only happen on many levels but also with different people.

Have you ever had the connection with someone.

You see them, and they see you.

You talk about everything.

There’s a slow, lingering development of burning desire. Over time, it creeps into every ounce of your consciousness so that you can’t operate without thinking about how attractive they are. You’re sure they’re your soul mate, they are sure too. Neither of you have ever experienced anything in life like this. They have to be the one.

But you’re both attached. You move away from each other. It’s the right thing. You have a loving relationship, you can not hurt the other person that you have committed your life to.

The desire deepens when you try to shut it down. You keep telling yourself that if you ignore all this stuff that is messing with your head will just go away in time. It’s healthier to concentrate on your partner. You start throwing yourself into this relationship and it even perks up a bit.

But then bang.

You see, the individual again out of the blue and the emotions fly back. Except that this time you’re not prepared. There hasn’t been the slow build up that has given you the time to build a wall. This romantic entanglement is now just more enhanced.

What to do?

Eventually, you don’t decide, you’re an unwilling participant, but you find yourself moving closer, keen to explore what you’ve been denying.

You book a hotel and find an excuse. Your heart is racing. The time comes, you meet. It’s awkward, but you expected this. Pushing it to the back of your mind, you plough on, allowing fingers to explore and tongues to mingle with a strange breath. You move to the bed, remove one item of clothing after another.

The definition of intimacy. Is there ever one answer?
Just when you thought you were safe, the chemical connection takes over

And then it’s the moment. You take a deep breath, ready.

Have you been there?

It’s exciting up to this point. Everything you have allowed to develop over the months sometimes years before are compounding into this moment where you are allowing your physical selves to express what is natural.

But, the moment. The actual moment that you have been waiting all this time for is so underwhelming, it’s this that takes away your breath rather than the beauty of human touch.

What is intimate about this moment? Do you still want to be with that person once you’ve got the night of disappointing sex out of your system?

Sadly, only your answer will tell you what intimacy means to you. If the near compulsive urge to share yourself with another is your definition of intimacy, then so be it. If it’s the emotional connection that drove you to that moment, then that’s your answer. And if it’s the lot wrapped up within the blanket of forbidden excitement, that that is also your answer.

Here’s the churn.

Your partner very often will have a totally different take on that scenario. They may be thinking about the person left at home. How many times have we heard it said that if you put as much effort into me as you do your ‘xyz’ then we’d be in a better place?

We’re random beings often confusing a chemical connection, kinetic energy if you like for intimacy.

That’s what we do here. When we give a sensual or tantric massage, we employ techniques at the beginning which allow our energies to connect. This simulates that connection and takes your experience to a much deeper, more intimate level than a standard massage. There’s a huge benefit to being able to do this. You will never have experienced something like this, because unlike the scenario above, we know how to keep that connection going through the sensual experience. But, out in the real world, don’t be fooled. What we offer is an escape away from reality so you can feel the power of that connection without becoming embroiled in any of the violating emotions we discussed above.

What we offer won’t take over your life. It will enhance it.

We won’t threaten the sanctity of what you hold with your partner. We’ll give you fulfilment in areas that are lacking, allowing you to continue with what you hold most dear.

And when you visit us for a sensual or tantric massage, you won’t experience any of the inevitable downward spiral of hurt. You’ll be conducting yourself wisely, allowing a single embrace to be left alone when you go home. There will be no proof of any misgivings, but you’ll be allowed the space to discover your edge. To take yourself beyond a boundary you didn’t know existed.

Our professionalism in sensual massage Romford will help you with solving unanswered questions about yourself in a safe and secure environment. And this focus drives your relationship at home into a better, more secure space. Because, as we’ve discovered, there are not only different definitions of intimacy but also different styles of relationships where the power for intimacy is granted in layers. According to need.

Who says you need to have all your intimacy directed towards one person?

Once you understand this, and more importantly accept it and stop wondering about the definition of intimacy and start living your best life. The frightening prospect of an unfulfilled future is no longer an issue. Consider this a therapy if you like, a place where you allow levels of vulnerability that are difficult to expose in some circumstances, to fly free with a professional whose opinions are helpful but not important to the two souls connected within your long term relationship.