Married and lonely – Dave

Meet Dave. He’s married and lonely. Dave loves his wife, but since they had kids, her focus has changed. He used to be the centre of her world, but then the children arrived and so did her focus.

Now, all she wants to do is look after the kids and his feelings of loneliness continue to grow,

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re never lonely.

A marriage can make you feel more alone than being single sometimes. You have a partner and they’re there for you as much as they can be. But, the issue is that the kids mean they just don’t have that much available energy to give you time or understand how you’re feeling. The support you had after a tough day has filtered out and instead this is now replaced by you needing to put in the effort of listening about feeding, sleep patterns and do bath time as soon as you walk through the door. 

You get no peace. Sure, you’re out at work all day, but it’s not like this time is your own.

And Dave would like nothing more than to relax with a hot bath himself. Followed by sex with his wife, who he still adores to let off some steam.

But there’s no time. Nor energy for that. And Dave finds this understandably difficult. It’s not like he’s had the time to adapt. One day he was lying in bed next to his wife. The next, there was a baby between them.

This happened to Dave. We can see how he is now married and lonely. They were blissfully happy, but then when they started their lives as parents, his partner needed to divert all of her emotional resources to her family. Don’t get him wrong. Dave idolises his kids. He loves them with every ounce of his being. He goes to work every day. And he works hard. All so his wife and kids can have the best life possible.

But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t resent them.

This isn’t a talk that he’d have with his friends.

Dave is ashamed and has an internal conflict about the way his family bring out his passive aggressive side. All he longs for is intimacy with his partner, but when she’s with him, although she may be in the same room, her mind is elsewhere. It’s like their intimacy slipped away when the children arrived and they’ve turned into one of those functioning couples who have lost the physical connection. 

With no sign of getting it back soon.

Dave is a dutiful husband. And he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife. The idea of hurting her feelings slices through his heart like a dagger. Even though he understands his life was partly his choice, there are still times when he questions the validity of his decision to become a father now that the harsh reality of the sacrifices he and his wife have to make are clear.

Try talking to your partner, now that’s a joke.

Dave feels like he walks on eggshells. His wife’s nerves are frayed at the best of times nowadays. Level headed sensible communication about a touchy situation is something that he has tried and learned fast that they’re best to avoid.

And for sure, they’re emotionally sharing the responsibility, but he can’t let off the steam of that with the person to whom he is closest to anymore. When they share a sexual experience, it’s rushed. And he feels his wife has checked out. These are genuine issues.

Every person needs love. And to feel that love.

But, sometimes, the person we’re used to giving us that love doesn’t have the resource. She may even experience a level of depression herself after the birth.

This is how Dave feels. He’s married. He loves his wife. But he needs more than she has to give him at the moment.

The last thing he wants is to hurt his wife. 

But his needs are valid. His need to be sexually stimulated, to feel love and compassion and have some time out to himself are driving him insane. 

And so Dave comes to see us regularly. We lighten his load and he returns to his wife in a more calm state. More prepared, and able, to be the excellent husband he wants to be.

Dave isn’t a real client. Out of respect for the privacy of our clients, we would never tell you exact stories about any one individual. However, Dave is such a common issue that many of our regular clients deal with.

To book your ‘time out’ session, text us on 07982 491392