Gemma came to us because she had no intimacy in her marriage from her husband. The issues started slowly; she didn’t notice at first. But then over time, sex within their marriage became a thing of the past. And then gradually, with that, the intimacy between the couple also declined.
Intimacy is important for Gemma. It’s what sets her apart from a platonic relationship she can have with anyone. She’s tried to talk to her partner, but he’s not interested in his feelings.
Gemma’s husband’s work means he’s stressed. And much as she hates to admit it, now that she looks back, she feels like she may have created the emotional and sexual problems their marriage now faces. Or at least contributed to it.
By making his life too easy.
From the start, Gemma was always the stronger partner. And so, she made allowances for her husband who needed more support. The last thing she expected from him was for them to then end up with no intimacy in their marriage. He’s her husband for goodness sake, he will always want her.
Men always want sex, don’t they?
The love is there. But Gemma even doubts this from time to time. Her husband struggles to get and then maintain an erection for her. She worries that she’s let herself go. That he is having an affair, and this causes their lack of intimacy.
But deep down she knows that isn’t the case. He doesn’t have time for an affair, anyway.
The issue is, knowing something and feeling it are different.
As humans, we’re governed by our emotions.
She’s tried spicing things up, talking to him, and surprising him. She’s taken the pressure off about having kids. Put it back on. Sought to find him a fresh job, a new career even.
But he’s not interested and nothing ever changes.
They live like brother and sister.
That’s not enough for Gemma. She wants passion and fun and physical vitality in her life. She doesn’t see why she has to lose out on that just because she’s been married for a few years. Gemma is more than just a wife. She’s a person with needs.
And she needs her husband, who she loves with a fullness in her heart. And she desires with a sense of overpowering wonder which doesn’t fit within their sexless relationship.
Let’s be frank, as women, we link sex to being emotionally fulfilled, so this is an issue.
So Gemma comes to visit us. She has a yoni tantric massage which eases her sexual tension and allows her to be more patient in working through the issues her and her partner are facing. Once she’s satisfied, she’s not so emotionally challenged by the focus of his needs within their marriage. She’s even more able to feel that connection with him again as her mind isn’t so sexually charged all the time. And the closeness they once had filters back into their lives.
Gemma isn’t an actual person. She’s a hybrid of all the clients like her, who suffer with similar relationship complications in that there in no intimacy in marriage from husband. We would never divulge the situations of particular clients. You can be certain of our commitment to your privacy at all times.
You can read more of our client stories. Meet Emma.
Meet Dave. He’s married and lonely. Dave loves his wife, but since they had kids, her focus has changed. He used to be the centre of her world, but then the children arrived and so did her focus.
Now, all she wants to do is look after the kids and his feelings of loneliness continue to grow,
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re never lonely.
A marriage can make you feel more alone than being single sometimes. You have a partner and they’re there for you as much as they can be. But, the issue is that the kids mean they just don’t have that much available energy to give you time or understand how you’re feeling. The support you had after a tough day has filtered out and instead this is now replaced by you needing to put in the effort of listening about feeding, sleep patterns and do bath time as soon as you walk through the door.
You get no peace. Sure, you’re out at work all day, but it’s not like this time is your own.
And Dave would like nothing more than to relax with a hot bath himself. Followed by sex with his wife, who he still adores to let off some steam.
But there’s no time. Nor energy for that. And Dave finds this understandably difficult. It’s not like he’s had the time to adapt. One day he was lying in bed next to his wife. The next, there was a baby between them.
This happened to Dave. We can see how he is now married and lonely. They were blissfully happy, but then when they started their lives as parents, his partner needed to divert all of her emotional resources to her family. Don’t get him wrong. Dave idolises his kids. He loves them with every ounce of his being. He goes to work every day. And he works hard. All so his wife and kids can have the best life possible.
But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t resent them.
This isn’t a talk that he’d have with his friends.
Dave is ashamed and has an internal conflict about the way his family bring out his passive aggressive side. All he longs for is intimacy with his partner, but when she’s with him, although she may be in the same room, her mind is elsewhere. It’s like their intimacy slipped away when the children arrived and they’ve turned into one of those functioning couples who have lost the physical connection.
With no sign of getting it back soon.
Dave is a dutiful husband. And he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife. The idea of hurting her feelings slices through his heart like a dagger. Even though he understands his life was partly his choice, there are still times when he questions the validity of his decision to become a father now that the harsh reality of the sacrifices he and his wife have to make are clear.
Try talking to your partner, now that’s a joke.
Dave feels like he walks on eggshells. His wife’s nerves are frayed at the best of times nowadays. Level headed sensible communication about a touchy situation is something that he has tried and learned fast that they’re best to avoid.
And for sure, they’re emotionally sharing the responsibility, but he can’t let off the steam of that with the person to whom he is closest to anymore. When they share a sexual experience, it’s rushed. And he feels his wife has checked out. These are genuine issues.
Every person needs love. And to feel that love.
But, sometimes, the person we’re used to giving us that love doesn’t have the resource. She may even experience a level of depression herself after the birth.
This is how Dave feels. He’s married. He loves his wife. But he needs more than she has to give him at the moment.
The last thing he wants is to hurt his wife.
But his needs are valid. His need to be sexually stimulated, to feel love and compassion and have some time out to himself are driving him insane.
And so Dave comes to see us regularly. We lighten his load and he returns to his wife in a more calm state. More prepared, and able, to be the excellent husband he wants to be.
Dave isn’t a real client. Out of respect for the privacy of our clients, we would never tell you exact stories about any one individual. However, Dave is such a common issue that many of our regular clients deal with.
To book your ‘time out’ session, text us on 07982 491392